


Forever Is As Far As I Could Go

by donsboy



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:11:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4826912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donsboy/pseuds/donsboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick loses a good friend to Greg's jealousy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever Is As Far As I Could Go

Nick dreaded going in to work that night, but he had to. He was afraid to face his friend and co-worker Jamison. They were supposed to hang out on their day off, but Nick had spent his day off with Greg instead, and by the time he realized, it was too late to call and cancel. If the truth was known, this was like the third or fourth time that Nick had thrown Jamison over for Greg, but damnit, Greg was just so irresistible and sexy. Nick knew that Jamison would understand, but he really did feel bad for not keeping his word.

  
 

He found Jamison in his lab peering into a microscope and made his way inside.....

“Hey, Jamison...”

“What's up, Tex?” Nick breathed a silent sigh of relief when he heard Jamison's nickname for him.

“Just thought I'd check in and say hey...”

“I'm surprised you didn't throw a white flag to make sure you weren't gonna get shot at....”

Nick laughed and started to apologize...

“Save it, Tex! You don't have to explain anything to me. I just want to know when you feel you can confide in your old friend...”

“What do you mean, Jamison?”

“Nick, come on now, I know you met somebody...just don't know who. He must be awful special if you want to spend nearly all your time with him.”

“He's a great guy, Jamison. I think this one has some potential.”

“So when can I meet him, or is this on the down-low?”

“We're keeping it in the down-low for now, but maybe soon.....”

“Well, okay, but you're gonna have to tear yourself away from him at least one night the next time you're off...”

“Man, I promise....” Nick stopped when he realized just how hollow those words sounded.

“Take it easy, Tex...we'll work something out.”

“Deal!” Nick took off toward the breakroom for assignments.

  
 

When Nick got to the breakroom everyone was assembled and waiting for Grissom to show up. Nick walked in and sat next to Greg. Greg leaned over and asked him how mad Jamison was about him not showing up. Nick replied that he wasn't mad at all, and he had figured out that Nick was with someone. Nick was interrupted by Grissom's entrance with their assignments. As they all headed their respective ways, they didn't see Jamison watching Nick.....

***

Jamison had his answer. Nick was seeing Greg Sanders. That explained quite a bit right there. It really explained Nick's reluctance to name names, and also why he wanted to keep things on the down-low. Jamison could respect every bit of that. It wasn't so much Grissom they had to worry about as it was Ecklie. He could be a right pain in the ass.

  
 

Jamison hoped that Nick wasn't making a mistake. Greg was a nice guy, but if Jamison were to be completely honest, he felt that Nick and Greg wouldn't be a good match. He felt that way because he had been in love with Nick since they had first met. That had been when Nick first came to work for the lab when Jim Brass still ran the outfit. Jamison refused to remember how many years that had been because he felt like a fool for not saying anything to Nick.

  
 

He knew he was lucky that Nick didn't pick up on certain things, but Jamison also knew that he was very clever at hiding how he really felt. In all these years, Nick never realized that Jamison was head-over-heels in love with him. Even if Nick suspected, Jamison would have turned it into a big joke. They would have had a laugh, and that would have been it. No problem.

  
 

Jamison was startled when he looked up and saw Nick standing there grinning.

“What the hell, Tex??”

“Nothing much, just thought I'd holler at ya before I take off. You okay?”

“Yeah, man, just thinking about some stuff from a long time ago...”

“Wanna share?”

“Not really...besides you better hurry up! Your mystery man might get lonely.....”

“He might at that....well, see ya tonight!”

“You bet, Tex!”With that, Nick went off toward the exit grinning from ear to ear.

  
 

Greg was waiting for Nick in the parking lot, and they went to Nick's house. After a couple of hours of hot, sweaty sex, the two men were exhausted. When Nick woke up, he rolled over and cuddled up next to Greg. Greg mumbled in his sleep but didn't wake up. Nick pulled him closer and woke him gently. Once Greg woke up, they talked a bit and they decided to go get something to eat. They went to a small diner near Nick's house and were surprised to see Jamison sitting alone in one of the back booths.

  
 

Greg wanted to leave, but Nick said it would be rude if they didn't say hello, and besides, they had already been seen. Nick made his way over to Jamison's table with Greg in tow.....

“Evenin', Tex, Greg...ya'll sit down”

“Hey, buddy...”

The two men sat down and the waitress came over for their orders. After the waitress brought their drinks, Jamison noticed that Greg looked a bit uncomfortable so Jamison decided to put him out of his misery.

“Greg, please relax....I'm not gonna say anything about the two of you at work. It's not my story to tell. I'm glad that the two of you found each other, but I warn you, I've known Tex for a long time, and I can be protective. I don't think I have to worry about you, though, because I see the way you look at Tex, and I have a feeling that you wouldn't do him wrong.”

“Thank you, Jamison...that really means a lot.”

“Don't worry about it, Sanders.....”

“How did you figure it out, Jamison?”

“Well, Tex, I saw the way you two were sitting together in the breakroom and it just clicked.”

  
 

After they ate, the two guys asked Jamison what his plans were. He stated that he wanted to try and get some more sleep before shift. The two guys agreed that they could use more sleep before work, so they went their seperate ways. On their way to work that night, Greg asked Nick if he thought their secret really was safe, and Nick said that he thought so because he had know Jamison a long time and he had never heard the guy gossip or anything like that. He went on to tell Greg that Jamison was very private and kept thing “close to the vest”.

  
 

Greg thought about what Nick said, but he still wasn't convinced. There was something about Jamison that didn't sit right with Greg. No matter...Greg had Nick to concentrate on, and that was one of the absolute best ways to stay occupied.....

  
***

Nick was amazed at how time seems to fly. Just before he left for work, Greg had reminded him that their 6 month anniversary was coming up. Nick couldn't believe it had been 6 months already. He went in a little early tonight because he was looking forward to talking with Jamison about what he should get for Greg.

  
 

Nick was shocked to find someone else in Jamison's place when he got there. Nick went to find Grissom to ask him what was going on. Grissom explained that Jamison was ill and would be out for about a week. He thought Nick was already aware, but didn't miss the look of uncertainty that crossed Nick's face. Nick commented that he hadn't talked to Jamison except for work in a while, and that he didn't even realize Jamison was ill. 

  
 

Grissom commented that the night Jamison took ill, he was at work, and that since Nick was his emergency contact, they had tried to contact him. Grissom knew that it was Nick's night off, but they called anyway. Several voice messages were left, but Nick didn't call back. Grissom had Catherine take Jamison to the emergency room, and then she took him home. This had happened 2 days ago, and Nick was just finding out about it now. Nick thanked Grissom and went on his way.

  
 

As soon as he could, Nick called Greg. When asked about the phone calls, Greg admitted to deleting the voice mail, but stated that he thought they were just calling Nick in to work, and he wanted to spend some extra time with Nick. Nick explained what the calls were really in reference to, and Greg got irritated.....

“Oh, so you're really pissed because this was about Jamison?”

“Greg, I'm not pissed, I just don't understand why you get so upset over Jamison...”

“Come on, Nick, he ain't right! There is something creepy about the dude.....”

“Greg, I've known him for years.....I just wish you would give him a chance.....”

“I've tried...”

“Greg, let's not fight right now....I gotta get back to work. We'll talk about this later, 'k?”

“mm'kay, Nicky.....”

“I'll see you soon....”

  
 

When Nick thought about the conversation later, he realized that Greg had had a problem with Jamison from the beginning. Surely he couldn't be jealous, could he? As far as Nick knew, Greg had no reason to be jealous of Jamison. There had never in all the years that Jamison and Nick had known each other ever been any inappropriate behavior on either part. Hell, Jamison and Nick had been skinny-dipping before. No problem. They had even slept in the same bed before when Nick was too drunk to drive home. They had all showered in the communal showers at work before. Point was that if Jamison was interested, surely he would have said something by now.

  
 

Nick was still a bit irritated about Greg and the phone thing, but he told himself to calm down. He couldn't help but feel he was on to something, though. It seemed that every time Nick had Jamison join he and Greg for dinner, or a movie, or whatever, Greg always found something to end the evening early for, or some excuse to complain, or whatever. After a while, Jamison just stopped accepting Nick's invitations, and at the time, Nick just thought that Jamison was just being nice and giving Nick extra time with Greg. Nick was so wrapped up in Greg that he didn't even realize that he had neglected his friend so badly until tonight when he came back from 3 days off and found out that his friend was ill. Nick decided that when he got off work in the morning, he was going to see Jamison and check on him.

  
 

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. We all know that. Nick didn't get a chance to check on Jamison the next morning because he ended up working a double. When he finally got away from the lab, all he wanted to do was go home and sleep. After sleeping a solid 12 hours, Nick felt almost human again. He got up and went looking for Greg. He found a note telling him that Greg had gone to the grocery store and would be back soon. Nick remembered that he had wanted to check on Jamison, and went to call him.

  
 

Jamison answered on the third ring sounding like Death warmed over. Nick was shocked to hear his friend sounding so ill.....

“Hey, buddy...”

“What's doin', Tex?”

“Just called to check on ya and see how you were...”

“Dude, I been better. This stomach flu is a motherfucker!”

“So when do you go back to see the doctor?”

“Tuesday afternoon at 2:30...”

“Do you need a lift?”

“No, Tex...I got this.....”

“Bud, you don't sound like you are in any shape to be trying to drive. Let me give you a lift....”

“No, Nick, I got this. Look, I really need to go....Talk to ya later.”

And with that, Jamison hung up the phone. Nick looked at the phone like a crazy man. Jamison had just rushed him off the phone. But in light of recent events, it was probably because he had to rush to answer a call of nature or something. Nick didn't seem overly concerned. It wasn't until after everything that came after was over that Nick realized Jamison had called him 'Nick' instead of 'Tex'. That wasn't like his friend, sick or not.

  
 

When Greg returned from the grocery store, Nick decided to go ahead and ask about the deleted phone messages. Greg told Nick why he had done it, and Nick decided to leave it at that. He had other things in mind for Greg besides arguing.

  
 

When Jamison returned to work the following week, he and Nick got a rare chance to sit down and talk alone. Nick apologized about not being there when he was needed, but Jamison just shrugged it off. He asked Nick about how things were with Greg, and Nick explained that things were great. Jamison noticed how Nick's face lit up when Greg was mentioned, and he made a mental note. The conversation lasted a little while longer, and then the men had to get back to work.....

  
***

Nick felt good about getting a chance to talk with Jamison. He knew he had been neglecting Jamison, but between work, and Greg, and everything else, who had time??? Nick was glad to know that Jamison didn't hold anything against him. What Nick should have ralized was that the good feeling wouldn't last. He should have know something would come along and fuck things up. Little did he know that it would be his precious Greg that would set things in motion.

  
 

A few weeks later, Nick had been out on a call and was just getting back to the lab when he heard raised voices coming from the lockerroom. He eased the door open and recognized Greg's voice immediately.....

“.....I don't know what you angle is, but you need to stay away from Nick and me.....”

Nick was about to intervene when he heard Jamison say: “Greg, I don't know why you feel that way. I 've always tried to be your friend, but you have always treated me like dirt under your feet. I never complained to Nick, I never outed you two at work, I never did ANYTHING to you.....”

“I'll tell you why I don't like you.....it's because I'm jealous of you! You've known Nick for years, and you're always around.”

“Greg, that's not true. I don't hang around you two and you know it. Nick tried to pick stuff we could all do together, but you didn't want to, so I started staying away...”

“And you better stay as far away as you can, or you'll regret it!”

  
 

About that time Nick stepped from his hiding place. Greg looked like he had just seen a ghost, and Jamison couldn't clear the hurt off his face quick enough. Nick saw the tears in Jamison's eyes, and went to reach for his friend. Jamison turned away from Nick and left the room. Nick turned to Greg and told him that they would continue this discussion at home. Nick went looking for Jamison, but he had left the lab. Nick drove by Jamison's place, but didn't see his car. He drove around the city for hours looking for his friend, but never did find him. He knew he had to face Greg so he made his way home to get it over with.

  
 

Greg was waiting for him when he got in. They argued about where Nick had been, and he explained that he had been looking for Jamison. That set Greg off on a tear. He started in on Nick when Nick stopped him...

“Greg, why can't you accept that Jamison has been a part of my life a lot longer than you have?”

“Because I want you all to myself, baby! I don't like to share...”

“Greg, I think we need to find a solution to this...”

“But, Nicky, it would be so much more fun if we did other stuff first...”

Greg knew exactly what he was doing. He knew that if he kept Nick distracted, the argument would be over.

  
 

When they went to work that night, Grissom was waiting for them in the break room. He asked Nick to follow him to his office, and left the room. Nick glanced back at Greg and went to follow their boss. When Nick reached Grissom's office, Grissom asked him to shut the door. Nick sat down and looked at his boss...

“Nick, I need to tell you something, and I know you are going to be upet...”

“Come on, Griss, what is it??”

“Jamison Lenox is dead...”

“WHAT????????????”

“Suicide. His body was found late this afternoon.....”

Nick stared at Gil Grissom in disbelief. Jamison...dead. Oh, God!

  
 

Nick left Grissom's office in a daze. He went back to the break room to let Greg know he was going home. Greg knew he couldn't comfort Nick like he really wanted to, but it didn't matter. Nick was beyond comfort anyway.

  
 

The next few days passed in a haze for Nick. The memorial service and funeral were two of the hardest things he'd had to go through, especially alone. He and Greg were fighting at the moment, but it didn't matter. Nick was at the point that he didn't care about anything much anymore. Nick had just returned from the funeral when he stopped to get the mail from the mailbox. He rifled through the usual bills and ads when he saw something that chilled him to the bone.

  
 

The plain white envelope was addressed to him in Jamison's unique handwriting. Tearing open the envelope, Nick pulled the paper out and began to read.....

  
 

_Dear Tex,_

  
 

_If you're reading this, then I did what I set out to do. I just wanted to write you this note before I go. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, but I want to thank you for not letting it show. I'm sorry things ended this way, but it's probably for the best._

_Tex, I've loved you for a long time, but I never said anything because I didn't think I was good enough for you. You are a very special man, and I hope you stay that way. Try not to hate me, Tex. I hope I've gotten far enough out of the way, because forever is as far as I could go!_

_Love, Jamison_

  
 

Nick walked into the house wiping tears from his face. Greg looked up from where he was sitting on the sofa. Nick walked to the bedroom, changed his clothes, packed a bag, and headed back to the living room. He set his bag down by the door.

“Are you going somewhere, Nick?”

“Yes, I'm going to see my folks in Texas for a few days. Don't be here when I get back...”

Nick walked over to where Greg was sitting and dropped the letter from Jamison in Greg's lap. As he started to walk away, he turned back to Greg and said,”I hope you're satisfied.....”

  
 

END


End file.
